"When I was little, my parents--my mom swung on me once, but I was between her legs and she was making dinner so there was good reason. But uh, when I was in school in South Africa, and I'm sure some of you may have experienced it. We used to get whipped all the time, ya know? Big purple bruises accross--buy hey I didn't get caught again you know what I'm talking about? We were different in school, cause when the teacher would walk into the class, we'd all like--get up and say 'Good morning sir!' Here its like, 'hi.' So if they got that big old bamboo shoot out, everyone would be like: 'Good morning sir.'
My headmaster Mr. Henny used to have one that sounded like a jet landing. And he was about six-five. He used to bowl, what they call--the equivilent of pitching in cricket. And he was a bowler for like, the state we were in when he was younger. So the guy had a good arm on him, real good. And he'd tell you things like, the cliche this hurts me more than it does you. Well then let me beat your ass.
But he used to swing--I never said that though, I never said to him, I had some respect. But he'd bend you over, he'd put your head underneath his desk. And then you had to lift your blazer because we wore uniforms, you had to lift your blazer up. And then he'd have some final word that he'd give you like, you know: 'We can avoid this next time." Maybe. Then that thing would come...shhhhhquawahh! And then it would sting for about eight seconds. It'd be like, 'oooooh...' And my buddy would be like, 'ahhahaahhh.'
And then it would go numb, ok? And after it went numb, it would come like a big throbbing migrane in your butt. It would come back, and as it would come back he'd timed it perfectly. Cause it would go numb when he started up here. And the pain would come just about an inch away from your but. It would be like 'shhhqua..ahh!'
And what was worse than getting in trouble by yourself worse than that was if there was four of you that got in trouble together. Then you'd all sit out there. And we'd be waiting for him...'Do you think he's gonna beat us?' 'Of course he's gonna beat us!' 'Why is he gonna beat us, he shouldn't do this...we didn't mean it!' 'No man, he's going to beat us!' 'How many do you think he's gonna give us?' 'Three, maybe three?' 'Four!' 'Four?!?' 'Please...'
Then he'd come out and you'd all get selfish. As soon as he came, you'd be thinking: 'Me first, please me first, please me first' cause not that he'd get tired, you think maybe you want to go last. No he didn't get tired because he used to play cricke. So he wouldn't get tired he'd just, come out and say, 'Matthews!' and I'd be like 'Oh..thank you.' or if he'd come out and say 'Hudson!' 'Damnit' cause then you would have to sit like this: 'shhhhhquah!' 'shhhhhquah!' Then you'd here him go, 'thank you very much sir' You had to say that, 'Thank you very much sir.' Then you'd see Hardy come out like, 'uhhuh..' And run to the bathroom. Then he'd come out..'Andrews!' 'ahughh!'
I tell you, it was the only time it happened--I'll be done in a second here, uhm. They had these old fashioned toilets that was just like a little waterfall that was a long steel thing. There was just a big wall of steel and a little puddle and a sink would drain at the bottom. But there was just a constant waterfall. So after we got beat we used to run there and pull our pants down and slam our butts against that thing. 'Ahh....ohh..' I remember the biggest boy in school got six. Six of the best. And he didn't sit down for two days after that. He'd sit on his legs in class it was funny--afterwards. A while afterwards."
Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds
March 6th, 1999