Some things really suck, and uhm. And uh, like stubbing your toe sucks.

And one time I was on my way up through Africa on a bus with some friends. And I’d been eating a bunch of Fanta, orange and a bunch of those cheese puffs--and a bunch of beer for like thirty hours while we waited for the bus.

And then, we were going up through Africa and my stomach was a little--but I kinda wasn’t thinking about it you know I was smoking, feeling groovy. I was all asleep, resting on my girlfriend chillin, grooving, I’m half asleep not thinking about all the cheese puff, fanta and all the beer.

“Baby, I love you baby. I’m gonna make a fart now baby, I’m going to make a little fart now baby.”

Shit was all wrong I crapped myself entirely.

So then now I’ve got an ass full of pants and the bus driver said he wouldn’t--what the hell is that? I got a pants full of shit or whatever. So then I’m going up, this is like the worst nightmare. Its Africa, its hot. And I’m looking really pissed. And my friends Julia my girlfriend and my man Doufie, Jonathon just behind me. He started laughing but he couldn’t talk now because he was laughing so hard, she was laughing so hard.

Then the bus driver said, “Man you gotta stop.” You see, everyone’s drinking beer so the bus driver said: “I’m not gonna stop anymore, I’m not gonna stop anymore cause y’all are stopping every ten minutes so you can piss.”

And the poor Afrikans guys behind me had to piss in beer cans and throw it out the window and it sprayed back in on the American guys in the back. It was really bad.

So I went up and said man, I gotta get off the bus--seriously you gotta stop the bus. He said: “No I ain’t stopping until we get over the Zimbabwe border.” I wasn’t going to say to him: “You know, look I shit myself. Man, I shit myself--stop the Goddamn bus.” Cause probably gonna turn around and say: “I crapped his pants.”(?)

So I wasn’t going to say that so I went back and thought, “aww man this is the worst.”

Then God looked fondly upon me, if there is one, he was staring down and he happened to be looking at the bus at the time, and he happened to see through the window that I was having a lot of problems. And he was like: “Oh, so I’ll just fuck the alternator up.” Is what he said to himself.

So I ran out into the woods, I stripped down--I threw those underpants way into the African bush. And then I rolled my pants up, they were pretty nasty y’all. But this isn’t the end of the story yet, there’s a good part to this.

I rolled that shit up and I put it in a plastic bag, put it in the bottom of the bag. I cleaned my stuff up and put my girlfriends shorts on and drank a bottle of Imodium.

So now I didn’t crap for a week, but I don’t care I don’t ever want to shit again right now. And then we go see the concert, “yes we support amnesty international, Freedom one world is enough for all of us. Ya man…” And then, that gets done and we go back to Africa, and we get to the Sorth African border.

And just before the grace of God set that Nelson Mandella free, that government there had some pretty rough beliefs. So we got these beliefs waiting there at the South African border. And they’re so psyched causer there’s all these hippy freaks and they think we’re all just communists we got long hair they hate us. And we’re all baked.

So they’re thinking ok what we’ll do is take these bags out of the bus. “Ok everyone must come and stand next to their bag.” And I’m going oh man, this is the end. How do I convince the cop not to look in my bag. Cause I’m thinking of the cop, there’s this big bald dude. I’m thinking of him, but he’s not thinking of me at all. He’s thinking: “I’m going to find the the drugs and I’m going to put him in jail who has the drugs.”

He gets to me and I’m like, look man, seriously. This is a shitty, shitty bag. I got sick in this bag and you don’t want to go in this bag. So he opens that thing up and he’s got the look of like, “oh, this is my promotion.” He zips that thing open and he whips that thing out and he must have had a cold or something because the granola box had exploded and it was all in there and he went straight for that plastic bag. He’s like gah, ahaghhh.. And he just headed off, there were like four other cops they finished the line and he just ducked he was so embarrassed.

I was like viva the revolution my man.

The moral of the story is: if, if, cause I’m not a promoter or a demotor or anything, but if you were trying to get some shit over the border, put it in some shit you know?